A Taste of My Life Full of Blessings

Hello Dear Readers.  I have to admit I am starting out today’s blog with a bit of a blank mind.  When I started blogging, I had a lot of great ideas to write down but as time passed I narrowed my focus a little more, until being at where I am now where I want to mostly write about mental health issues.  In some ways that has made things easier and in some harder.  Anyone who hasn’t read my favorite book, “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance” I suggest that they go and get a copy.  The book is about so many things, from teaching to thinking, to philosophizing, to managing a mental health issue in a family that goes across generations.  In one part the author was talking about teaching writing and had told students to write about a building and few of them were able to write anything.  Then he told them to write about one wall, then one row of bricks, then one brick and when he had narrowed it down enough the words started to come.

I am hoping this apparent wisdom works because in a few short weeks I am going to be teaching my first writing class.  The class is focused on people with mental illnesses, but is open to the public.  Anyone in the Edmonton area interested in attending feel free to contact me and I will give you details.  My email is as always, viking3082000@yahoo.com

So I am going to try and take people who have never published anything and maybe written a few poems or a story and I am going to try in one month to get at least one or two of them published in some smaller local papers.  More if I can of course.  There is this one student named Benson who is young and seems to have a great deal of potential.  He is kind of fascinating to watch because once we were given a writing assignment and he picked up his phone and appeared to be texting.  I felt a bit ticked off at this, it seemed rude, but then when we were asked to read our work here he came with a beautiful piece of writing that he had typed into his phone.  Things sure are changing.  Although I am very computer literate, I still like to start all of my work with pen and paper, then be able to edit not only as I re-read the work, but as I transfer it to my computer.

All that aside, things really seem to be going well.  I had a long and grueling week.  Yesterday I went to a nursing college and gave two talks for the Schizophrenia Society to a group of nursing students.  I really wanted to engage these people and make my talk a success, so when it came time for the question and answer period, I wouldn’t let people sit and not ask or say anything.  I asked for a show of hands as to who wanted to work in the mental health field and what their motivations were and people really opened up.  One young woman was actually moved to tears talking about a person in their family that had Bipolar Disorder who died and a young man talked about a sister he had who once went of her medication for a long time and I ended up asking him questions.  It really is rewarding work and I honestly feel like I’m making a difference.

It is really kind of refreshing to make a difference.  I am hoping I can make a difference for this young man Benson, I have already loaned him some poetry books to study and I honestly think with some prompting he can go far.  With some of the other people in the class, I don’t know how much I can do for them other than empower them to express themselves, but that may be enough.  I know for a fact that there is one person who used to come to the group who has been paid to publicly display his work, something that I have been trying and hoping to do for some time.

Well, I suppose that will make this a short blog for now.  I wrote a poem in my Wellness Recovery Action Plan class and I thought I would share it under today’s photo, so don’t forget to scroll down.  For the last blog entry I made, I got a very nice comment from someone, I would appreciate any comments anyone has, and if any of you are suffering and need help, or even just need to talk to someone who has been through a lot and done well for themselves, please don’t hesitate to contact me, as always, viking3082000@yahoo.com

Making a Differerence

 

On my journey through this dark, stark land

It seems so many need me to lend a hand

I wish I could give my all to each and every one

Take them to a feast and fest on the beach and in the sun

 

But sadly it seems there are too many here

It touches my heart, makes me shed a tear

They smell, they’re shaggy, dirty, disabled

They ask for things that would only enable

 

One time I bought ten loaves of bread and a little meat

Even some cigarettes just for a special treat

I passed them out but didn’t feed the masses

I wanted to navigate the pearly gates’ passes

 

Is the only thing that I can do is take up my pen

I do have a heart for this women and men

Cruel people laugh at them and tell them ‘get a job’

But all those that hire workers think they’re slobs

 

Even the washrooms post signs to keep the homeless out

And if they go in anyway people scream and shout

Maybe if enough people came together and took someone in

Right now it seems to me their indifference is a sin

 

Soon there would be no more lonely, sickly poor

And acts of kindness would open closed doors

One day we could make it so all have food and clothes

They will never get them now the way it goes

 

Open your heart and mind and try

Ask why not instead of asking why

So many people need your kindness

So many out there are lost and homeless

 

Can you give a little, life will give so much back

Rethink your fear and change your tack

It’s isn’t resources that we lack

It’s not a case of white and black

 

It’s the union of all women and men

Let the world begin again

Share your love and learn to care

The way life is going it just isn’t fair

 

 

Leif N. Gregersen

May 16, 2015

 

Story Slam and New Camera Day

Photo taken near my house with my brand new Nikon Camera

Today’s Blog:

     Well, I wonder what my growing list of regular readers would like to hear about today.  Last night I went to a ‘story slam’ competition and got up in front of a large crowd of people and recited a five minute story I wrote about my mom’s passing.  It was something that affected me greatly, I think I will post the story here for anyone to have a look at:

A TRIBUTE:

Mother. Mama. Mommy. Mom. So many names for the same thing, that one special person in all of our lives, in the lives of everyone here, everyone that ever lived has had a mother. Mine is no more.

 

The Catholics consider Mary Mother of Jesus to be the first Saint. She was the first one close enough to our Lord to appeal to him when wine ran out at a wedding. When the time came for me to perform a miracle for my Mom, I was unable.

 

It was six or seven years ago. My Dad was far away in Toronto at my sister’s wedding and I was taking care of my mom. At 63 she had just about everything go wrong with her that could. In her day, my Mother had been a bank manager, she had been an expeditor for a rail company. She had been her first family’s sole support at 16 and nearly earned herself a full scholarship to University. All she had wanted in life was to become a teacher, but she had to satisfy herself with teaching three kids.

 

Life and medications had taken so much out of her. My mom had turned from an intelligent and active adult to a child in a 63 year-old body. I had to answer to her every call, be it for her meals, for help to go to the bathroom, or even just to bring cold water. As I did these things, I thought of all she did for me and tried so hard to keep having patience.

 

One day, she called my name. The name only she could get away using. “Leify!” she said. Leify. Me, her little boy, the one she had carried and loved and spoiled.   And now she needed me.

 

I went in to see what was wrong. Her arms were flailing but she wasn’t speaking. I felt cruel and cold as I looked at her, tried to explain I didn’t know what she wanted. I put my hand to her chest and somehow I realized she wasn’t breathing. I don’t know how much time went by, but in what seemed like hours and at the same time like split seconds I had dialed 911. “Do you know CPR?” the operator asked. Yes, I have taken it many times, in boy scouts, in air cadets, I had read about it, even watched it performed once on a heart attack victim.

 

“No.” I had to reply. It had been too long, and this was my mom who wasn’t breathing. They told me to lay her flat on the floor. This I did, wondering how much damage I was doing to the back that suffered from crushed vertebrae and osteoporosis. I made a seal on her lips and blew, still being able to taste her last dose of medicine on her lips. I pushed on her chest a few times then tried to breathe life into her again. Nothing was happening.

 

In no time the paramedics were there. There was a lot of them, they crowded into my parent’s small apartment, pounded her chest and put a breathing bag over her mouth. They tried so desperately hard but nothing was helping. One of the paramedics told me she could still hear me, to not be embarrassed, to say what I wanted to her. “We all love you mom.” Is all I can remember saying. “We all love you mom.”

 

I was given a ride to the hospital and the paramedic explained that there was no hope to be had. At the hospital this was confirmed. I had to make a decision. She was brain dead and breathing through artificial methods. Her pain, her joy, her suffering, her crying fits and bedsores were all over now. I told them they could take her off life support.

 

It really was a beautiful thing, to be with someone when your end comes. Her breathing slowed, then stopped. I looked in her eyes and they seemed so alive, so real, I wanted to cry out that she wasn’t gone, that there was still a spark in her, but she was gone no matter how alive she seemed. I went into a waiting room, was given access to a phone and called my Dad to tell him my mom had died-on my watch.

 

It was discovered she had died of choking. Complications of acid reflux. Her and I shared a malady, the one that makes us take medications, we both had Bipolar Disorder. It gave us a special bond but it was also eating away at our souls and some of our vital body systems. My last true friend was gone, my mom. Three more days and she had an appointment to fix her throat. She didn’t have to die. She was a victim of waiting lists. I was a victim of guilt for many months.

 

My family goes on. My sister married and she has a child, a wonderful little child who had loved her grandmother. I look in her eyes and it warms my heart when she tells me she wants to grow up to be a teacher. Sometimes she cries because she misses her gramma. Now, I still reach for the phone when I want to talk to her, then I remember and pray to her instead. She can’t respond, but I know she can hear me. I know because when we visit her resting place I can feel her tears in the rain and her whispers in the wind. She will be in my heart forever.

CONTINUATION OF BLOG:

The story I read was just slightly different from how it appears here.  It must have been pretty powerful because when I got off the stage I noticed that three women were in tears.  One of them was one of the contest judges and she gave me the only 10 our of 10 of the night, though I didn’t win the competition.  Grieving a loss is a funny experience.  There have been times in my life when I was greatly worried that I was some kind of Psychopath or Sociopath, but after experiencing my mom’s death I realized that I do have a lot of compassion and feeling in me, I think I just register it differently.  The whole experience hit me from a blind side.  On the day my mom died I only cried one tear, as I held her hand after life support was taken off.  I was comforted that I was there with her, comforted that my name was the last thing she said.  I felt horrible for my Dad, worse for my brother and worse still for my sister who will always be reminded of her loss on her wedding anniversary.  I found myself doing odd things after my mom passed, I would lay in bed and say “mom” over and over again, I was in a bit of a fog of depression.  Now, seven years later, I feel a lot better about the whole thing.  My mom was the kind of person who made you feel very wanted, very needed.  I found my life somewhat lacking in purpose after she was gone.  I will never forget a friend of hers and an old teacher of mine who came to one of my book signings and said, “Your mom would be so proud.”  That meant a lot, but of course there was still the hurt that she never saw me publish a book and my mom dearly loved books.  I think though I will have to leave off there for now, it is early morning in Edmonton and I am extremely tired from lack of sleep.  Thanks so much for all those who have been liking my page and joining up, I hope you are getting your money’s worth out of reading my blog and that it moves you enough that you check out my eBooks and paperbacks.  All the best Dear Readers!

                    Downtown Edmonton’s Hustle and Bustle at Lunch Time Midwinter