Month: October 2021

What Are Some of the Wrong Things To Do When You Have a Mood Disorder and Schizophrenia

(blog is beneath the two following photos)

Well, dear readers, I seem to have danced with the devil one more time and come out the other side unscathed. As many of you may know, I recently started investing in the Stock Market. I started out with some very good advice from a friend’s dad who wanted me to carefully place my money into solid companies for the long term. I had some extra capital, so I thought I would make one or two more risky investments. I did fairly well. One time, I put money into a stock then went to check on it later to see it had gone up more than $1,000.00 and so I sold it. Another time I placed an order to buy a certain stock and it went ballistic just as I bought, and mere minutes later I sold the stock for a $400.00 profit. But then I bought an energy stock that deals in oil and gas that seemed really stable, and after I bought it, some very bad news came out about the company and its leadership and I lost just about that whole $1,000.00 I was so happy to have gotten.

It is funny how much investing in stocks can be like gambling. I got so absorbed with investing that I found myself scraping for news, waking up early to check the price of my stock. I decided it was too much. I have other things, very enriching things to spend my time on that won’t rob me of my life savings. I ended up selling all my positions and buying what basically amounts to two mutual funds. They pay a dividend of around $100 a month and I am going to set things up so that the dividends go to buying more shares. I plan to add more to the investment as I can afford it from month to month, but basically my investment, if it follows historical price projections, will give me a little nest egg to have when I am 65 years old, all I have to do is leave it sit.

I should have known that I would obsess over stocks. I obsessed over casinos and scratch tickets and those vile machines we have in bars called video lottery terminals. I don’t know all the science to it, but it seems gambling makes a person addicted to their own adrenalin. I had the good fortune to pick up a book yesterday by a financial advisor who also studies buddhism and Yoga. His approach to money, and to the many things in life that we should value more than money, is very educational and refreshing.

Above all, I am actually pretty amazed that I was able to stop looking at and buying stocks so easily. It may seem funny to mention this here, but recently I have been taking small amounts of Cannabinoid Oil and it seems to have made a huge difference in my mental health (warning: I am not a Doctor and people can react to CBD oil so consult a physician or psychiatrist before trying it). It seems to help me to sleep (I have been getting 8 and 9 hours of uninterrupted sleep since I started using it) and it also seems to help me with my angry and miserable moods. I am not going to go ahead full bore and recommend it here though, it is much too soon to say if the oil has lasting, positive effects, but I have been able to greatly slow down my intake of sleep remedies and it seems to work well with my antipsychotic medication. I feel better than ever, but a little prone to stay in bed.

Just to say something about myself, I wanted to mention I am extremely happy today because I bought the LP “Revolver” by the Beatles today. I have been really getting into music lately, and I think it doesn’t hurt that I recently connected with an old friend from my youth who had a career as a musician and is an absolute record nut.

Also, I thought maybe this would be a good place to mention that I have been getting attention from some Ivy League Universities. First, I published an article in “The Schizophrenia Bulletin” which is put out by Oxford University Press (yes, same people who wrote the dictionary). Attention from them in the form of a publication got Yale University interested in having me write a peer review of an academic paper, and then I also recently found out that the British Journal of Psychiatry will be running a 500 word story I wrote for them. To me this is pretty amazing, but I also wanted to mention that over the past four weeks, I have been taking a class that has totally changed how I look at journalism. It was put on by “The OpEd Project” Op Ed is short for opinion/editorial. I actually didn’t know very much about Op Ed writing at all, but I sent a couple of articles to a news magazine called “The News Station” and they seemed to classify my work as Opinion Editorial pieces. So, wanting to get more publishing credits, I searched and found “The OpEd Project” and applied for their class on a partial scholarship basis. It was simply amazing and I encourage anyone who feels they have a valid opinion on a subject they feel they have expertise in, and want to find out how you can change the world, check out their class. If you decide you want to take one of their classes, contact me at viking3082000@yahoo.com and I will give you a promo code that will save you a few Yankee dollars.

With that, dear readers, I would like to wish you a wonderful weekend and great joy in your lives. As always, I would love to hear your feedback, opinions, stories, poems and jokes at any time. Until then, live with passion!

By the way, thanks Christine, I think your prayers helped!!

Top Ten Things People With Schizophrenia Shouldn’t Do

Good day good readers! How nice it is to be back among you! Today is a very special day and yesterday was pretty amazing too. As you can see by the photo good readers, I did my civic duty the other day and went to the Police Academy to teach new police recruits about mental health and how to deal with people who are experiencing psychosis. Yesterday I gave two talks to students about mental health, then had to travel to the outskirts of the city and teach a class in creative writing. When I have days like this I think back to the old USArmy commercials that used to say, “In the Army, we do more before 9am than most people do all day.” I remember wanting to join the army back then because I was already aware at a young age of how precious our days are, how absolutely irreplaceable things like sunrises, first kisses and time with loved ones is.

Today I should probably try and cover other topics though. The truth is, I don’t know ten things that people with schizophrenia shouldn’t do. The truth is, people with schizophrenia should be able to do just about anything. This brings up two situations I can think of that are somewhat unique. The first is that, provided your medications work well for you, anyone with a mental illness should have few symptoms. To take that a step further to describe my situation, I kind of feel that my only symptoms of note are side effects of my medications. I guess I could add one or two things that don’t generally go away with medication. One is a positive sense of self. Possibly due to the stereotyping of people with schizophrenia and other forms of stigma, many people diagnosed with mental illness can not take their medication, or pick and choose which medications to take. Living in this sort of denial is very dangerous, but the sad truth is the person with the illness is the last person who should be blamed for such a reaction.

When someone refuses treatment, it means that the world has built up walls around them that keep them from their true potential. The reason I say this is because I recall how devastating it was when I first became ill to learn that not only was this a lifetime illness, but it was implied that I would never get the level of recovery I do now. This of course was total garbage, at least on the second point. I almost wanted to post the title above as a challenge to people who don’t accept that things will never happen for them, they will never marry, they will never travel, and much more. There is a sad truth, that is you may need to comply with treatment for a very long time before you see the results you so desperately hope for, but one day any person with schizophrenia can have a decent, normal life.

Living With a Combination of Schizophrenia, Bipolar and Anxiety Can Get Interesting

Well, I actually haven’t had all that much happen today that was interesting. The highlight of my day was finishing reading another Lee Child, Jack Reacher novel. I have taken up reading again as of late and it always feels good when I finish reading anything of sufficient length. For some strange reason, in the past years I fell out of love with books. I still bought just about as many and I still brought home any free ones but I haven’t been reading novels in years. Finding this amazing character “Jack Reacher” has made things easier, though I have read other stuff. Among the books I have been reading recently I have to include “Girl, Interrupted” and “The Collected Schizophrenias” I have been working on a book review for “The News Station” online magazine and these two were of particular interest. “Girl, Interrupted” is a very gripping tale of a young woman coming to terms with borderline personality disorder while in a psychiatric hospital. “The Collected Schizophrenias” is a study of schizophrenia and also a life story of a woman who experiences it. Regardless of how easy it is or how much information is available, I have never found anything to work better than reading an entire book on a subject to familiarize ones’ self with the subject.

There was something interesting that happened to me today. I did a simple buy in the stock market of a very stable stock and took advantage of a very small price move but with a high number of shares and made about $130.00. The markets are so fascinating to me, they are all about numbers, and I constantly work out numbers in my head. What amazes me is that in the past couple of weeks I have owned everything from a share in Uranium mines in Mongolia to Oil wells in South America, not only without leaving my apartment, but without having any knowledge at all in how these businesses are conducted. Normally this would be a recipe for disaster, but I have been buying and selling on how much hype the stock gets rather than anything to do with the stock’s actual profitability. One of the things I find myself worried about is how fast inflation is coming at us, at the gas pumps, in the grocery store and many other places. I thank my lucky star I live in supportive housing, don’t have a car and live alone. The average bills of a family of five like the one I grew up in would break me in short order.

Sometimes that is all it comes down to… Did I do better than my parents? I can answer that with a no, especially since for years my dad was a successful businessman and my mom worked many meaningful jobs.

The thing about the stock market and me… Some people warn me of the risks and caution me. My main problem with it is that playing the stock market can be just about as bad as playing a game of roulette or even Russian roulette if the stakes are high enough. Not all that long ago I had a problem with gambling addiction. It took me years of forcing myself to avoid any place that had gambling, which was a lot of places since the Liquor and Gaming Board has video lottery terminals in most bars. But I forced myself and I am glad for it. A lot of the time it came down to the temptation of simply riding the bus home. When I arrived, there was a number of bars with VLTs that I could stop in at and maybe make a couple of bucks. Not that I would ever stop after just making a couple of bucks. Any former or current addicted gambler knows that it is a sin to leave a place with even a quarter in your pocket.

So basically what I had to do was to get off the bus a couple of stops early and walk the extra distance, trying not to think of gambling. This was fairly easy, all I had to do was keep something on my mind that was more powerful than gambling. So I would fill my head with images of supermodels and former love interests and soon it became easy to go past the bars with VLTs in them. It also didn’t hurt that I soon realized after working in a bar that a somewhere like that is not a good place to meet friends or potential life partners. I kept on running into guys who knew more about ripping people off than they did about the job they worked at. The women in bars, if they aren’t raging alcoholics yet, were often cruel and insulting. At a certain point in my life I decided that as good as all the young women may look, I simply can’t focus my life around a place founded on mutual alcohol consumption. That made it easier to quit drinking, easier to quit gambling and smoking and I am amazed now at how much extra money I have.

Most people out there have a place in mind of where they would like most to live. I often think of the suburban city I grew up in and what it would be like to live on the millionaire side of the city. But for many reasons, friends, love interests, different ideas from our spouse, it doesn’t come true. The sad fact is that 99% of us have to make the most out of what is dropped in our laps. The thing is, just about anything can be good or bad. I have a job opportunity coming up that I just can’t make it to. When I think of not having this job, I try to emphasize to myself that I am already earning close to the limit my disability pension allows, and it will be so much better to have that extra time to complete other projects.

Just about any situation can be treated this way. I joked recently to a friend that I was so positive that if someone told me I was going to die by Saturday I would be happy that this week I wouldn’t have to worry about doing dishes on Sunday.

But to go back to the stock market, I have been coasting on luck and I fear that soon I am going to make a bad deal in it and end up in trouble. One thing I do know is that over this past week I had bought a stock that turned out to be a lot more volatile than it seemed it would be. I bought it at $1.76. While I taught a class over my computer, I was checking the stock in my breaks. It went so low I almost wanted to pause the class so I could sell it. But I held on, and by the end of the day the stock had regained all its losses. I could have been just a little more patient and turned a profit, but I has glad to get out unscathed. What I couldn’t believe was all the pressure and risk I was taking with a volatile stock. Once again though, this anxiety and fear from risking large amounts of money causes neurotransmitters to work double time. There are so many more negative things about getting involved in stocks when the simple truth is that you are more likely to do well running a family business and investing in a home than by thinking you can beat other traders who are just about as devious and shark-like as anyone can get. And if you let yourself become addicted to the experience, you will keep coming back for more punishment.

What To Do When Schizophrenia Ruins a Perfectly Good Holiday.

Schizophrenia is an illness that can get in the way of so many things. I know that by sheer numbers, there are people out there reading this blog that have spent holidays alone, perhaps because they we’re estranged from family members, or they just couldn’t handle another night of having their foibles pointed out.

When I think of schizophrenia ruining a holiday, I think back to Christmas of 1989. I don’t want to get into too much detail, but an argument put an end to a huge feast and by the time the night was over I had to sell my precious Ford Cobra to try and get a place to stay. I was deeply scarred by that experience, and I don’t want to blame my dad or myself. I do want to blame schizophrenia and the boiling pot of madness my mind was in at that time. Although it perhaps wouldn’t have been as bad if I didn’t have the usual teenage idea in my head that the world revolved around me and that I knew more than people who had been around long before I was born.

Now, I should mention that on Sunday I had a wonderful Thanksgiving, one I will cherish in memory for a long time to come. All I did was go over to my dad’s place where just him and I sat down for a fairly simple meal. It was a pretty special occasion because my dad is getting older by the day it seems and I worry deeply how much more time we will have with him.

One of the biggest things of late that has forced me to reconsider and forgive my dad for whatever mistakes he may have made is my latest book (which is available by clicking on the photo of London’s famous Tower Bridge Right on this page). I had my dad write an intro for it and I really didn’t have any idea of how much my dad really did care and really did try and help me.

On to different things though. I have to say that my life has gotten busy and it seems to be the best thing that could have happened. I’m teaching a course, taking two courses and also working for The Schizophrenia Society, and I have been developing a recent interest in reading thrillers. For those who haven’t discovered him yet, I want to take this opportunity to mention Lee Child, author of the ‘Jack Reacher’ series. The books have about 20 volumes, and the main character (who is played by Tom Cruise in the movies) is absolutely fascinating. In the book he is very far from the interpretation Cruise gave in the movies, in fact I had heard that when told that Cruise would be playing the lead role, Lee Child reacted by saying, “Tom Cruise is too short and too old to play Jack Reacher.” I have to agree, but regardless, these books are incredibly entertaining. It is hard to describe the main character, but he is sort of a minimalist. He owns nothing, has no job or income and is constantly on the go from one place to another until a situation happens that causes him to stay in one place. When he stays in these places, he usually gets mixed up in some serious trouble, and how his mind works and the things he does are amazing to witness. Definitely thumbs up on this author.

So it is now around 3am and I am up drinking tea. In the morning the stock exchange opens and I want to be there to keep a close eye on a stock I am holding. It is funny because just a short while ago (it seems) I knew a lot about the markets and buying and selling, but things have exploded since then. (it was actually 20 years ago). There are now so many ways to invest and I keep hearing about exchange traded funds and other instruments that simply didn’t exist when I was investing. I suppose all I really have to say about all that is stock markets and investments can quickly become addictive. Addictions like this one could cost more money than a cocaine habit.

Well, I suppose I should end today’s blog with some information about mental health. I seem to be experiencing some of my better days. Part of it may have to do with the fact that I have been using CBD oils before bed. Somehow they have taken my generally poor attitude towards everything and smoothed it out. To put it simply, things don’t piss me off like they used to. Peace of mind is such a gift, and it leads to so many other aspects of a person’s life falling into place.

Another thing I should mention is my sleep. This too has been going up and down. One of the things I am finding is the hardest to do is to sleep when I know a critical day is coming up. Fortunately, being Canadian Thanksgiving, I have tomorrow off, but Tuesday I am right back to work. What I think I really need to focus on in the next while is putting my foot down when it comes to sleep. I need to stop taking naps, they are ruining my ability to sleep at night. Caffeine and snack foods need to be taken right out of my evening routine, and I need to start getting to sleep and waking up at the same time every day. I know that if I can get a handle on sleep that I can then begin to tackle other problems, like booking more talks online.

Well, I want to mention one thing that is kind of cool outside of all that. I met with a woman named Brenda not too long ago and helped her set up a self-published book she made as a surprise for her 94 year-old mother who wrote the poems published in it. It was such an interesting and rewarding experience that I have taken out a classified ad in Write Click magazine to help anyone wanting to self-publish a book for a small fee.

Well, dear readers, I feel a bit like I have ripped you off,I didn’t talk much about mental health or recovery. I think the only advice I have at all today is for you to keep an eye out for a sunny day and grab a sweater and get outside in the beautiful fall colours (if you live in the same hemisphere as I do) and just get out and walk. Listen to the sounds of children playing, of the wind in the yellowed leaves. Feel the crunch of fallen leaves as you walk and please don’t be afraid to walk in the gutter where the best crunching is to be found. Take a little while and just be. I can’t guarantee anyone the existence of God or any other divine spirit, but I do know that beauty and mindfulness is something that will serve anyone well. Happy Canadian Thanksgiving!

Living One More Boring Day With Schizophrenia

Well, actually today wasn’t really bad at all. I am starting to get concerned about my sleep habits though. To be on the ball, I need 7 hours or so, but it seems that I am just not getting it, unless I nap. A number of people I know don’t nap, but I love doing it. There truly are times when I shouldn’t nap, but one of the main causes of my napping has to do with just not having anything interesting to do. That’s why I wanted to write this blog. Right there I have touched on a key issue. I need to be interested. I need to be stimulated. Serious problem. Let me explain.

Years ago I fell into a crowd that I would say at best was neutral, but at worst was a complete disaster. It was AA. I went to a lot of meetings. Hundreds. The worst part was that they would have the meetings at night and when you were there, the only thing you could really do was drink coffee. Soon after joining I literally became a coffee addict. I am doing a lot better now, having half of my daily beverages as tea or other stuff. Part of the problem came in after I got back from the meeting and had nothing to do. I would walk a long way, get a comic book at the book store, then go to the arcade. Still on that caffeine high, I would go home, read my comic, then watch TV until late. As long as I was going to meetings though, my landlord was happy. He did have some problems though. One of them was that he would let himself into my room when I left it locked without any notice. I told him he couldn’t do that and he replied, “It’s my house, I can do whatever I want.” This infuriates me even now, especially when a more recent caretaker was in my building and I came home one day to find him leaving my suite and locking my door. I don’t know if I would harm a person for this sort of thing, but it is entirely possible that I will consult my underground book “Revenge” one day to pay some of these people back.

To get back on track, when I was staying up all night (living on social services, not looking for work) my landlord was also my AA sponsor. It was his job to advise me and help me work the steps. I actually have a lot of respect for AA I should say here, but I had some very serious, very risk-filled problems that started with me making friends with people from AA. I love the book though, it is what the program is founded on and has a ton of wisdom. There are few books like it, one of them is “The Richest Man in Babylon” and another is The Holy Bible.

So anyhow, I was in AA for a while when I started going to Casinos. Though I didn’t really have much of a drinking problem, I didn’t want to drink any alcohol, but I saw the Casino as a place to pick up some easy money. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I think where it really started in earnest was when I watched the movie, “Casino” with Robert Deniro, Sharon Stone, and Joe Pesci. All the glamour and glitter of gambling seemed so exciting. It seemed like it would be an easy thing for a disciplined person like me to skim off a decent living working and/or hanging out in casinos. The truth was, I would go to one, play for a very long time, and often lose my shirt. That was the way it worked. I knew the odds when you play a game in the casino are only slightly in the house’s favour, but that just made me think all I had to be was a little bit lucky. The truth was that if the odds are slightly towards the house winning, over time the house will take all of your money. And I subjected myself to the torture and degradation of not being able to properly control my own money. At one time a doctor even intervened and had all of my finances taken over by a trustee.

So anyhow, I was talking about my old place and my first sponsor. When I was gambling, he noticed that whenever we got together I would get restless. I would fidget, pace around, smoke a lot. He was wise enough to see that I had accustomed myself to the excitement and adrenalin of playing casino games. What I had to do was to simply stop thinking about the casino or any of the games. This was how I quit smoking once, and how I was able to use a lot of discipline by redirecting thoughts. What I would do was when any thought of gambling came to mind, I would think of something that was more powerful, like a girl I liked naked. I even spent a lot of time journalling and deep in thought regarding money. After a lot of thinking, I realized that money really isn’t important.

As time went on though, even among my family and friends, I have come to be known as someone that likes to make money, likes to get paid for things. I am always willing to give a day’s work for a day’s pay, but I have often had opportunities to make ten days pay for an hour’s work as a writer. Still, that doesn’t mean I will give up working, even for free. But what it does mean is that I am conscious that money is needed in some aspects of a person’s life, and things like strength, courage, ethics, morals, and study are needed at others.

Where the problem comes in is when I decided to start saving and investing my money. I had been told a lot about ETF’s or exchange traded funds, which give a decent return after a year’s time, so I consulted with a friend’s dad who convinced me to buy individual stocks. I bought a few of his suggestions, and some made a little money, some lost a little money. All the while as I did this, I tried to learn a little about day trading. It seemed fairly simple. Look for a bargain, buy some shares, sell when they get a bump.

I made a few trades, and things went extremely well. I did suffer a loss of a few hundred dollars but I pulled out. I wanted to stop. It was extremely time consuming to sit and watch a stock to see if it is going to go up at all, and anxiety causing to see it go down. I realized I was triggering a lot of the same emotions and reactions from my casino days. I talked to a friend who was going to help me stop gambling but we didn’t follow through. I started checking stocks I had sold to see what they were at in the present day, and I even started doing a lot of reading in financial information. I have this theory that stock markets aren’t gambling because over time, most stocks will gain. And there are often anomalies out there that you can find if you are patient that can give significant returns with very little downside or loss of investment.

So basically Dear Readers, that is the tough nut I need to crack. A person can’t trade and let it get to him. He will be dead in months. And someone with my lack of experience shouldn’t trade so eagerly in volatile stocks. Now, as I write, it is 1:33 AM. I can’t sleep. The market opens at 7:30am and there are stocks I need to keep a close eye on. I am near the point of not really knowing what to do. It is exciting, it is fun, you really can make money, but I can’t tell you if the cost counted in quality of life is worth becoming a trader. More to come. Remember, Jesus saves, Moses invests. (forgive me Jesus, couldn’t resist).