Month: January 2017
Riding the Wave–“But I get the most work done when I’m manic!”
Click this link and find out here if a home based counsellor is able to help you
Shot of the moon using my Nikon D3300 and a Nikkor 55-300mm lens, touched up with Lightroom by Adobe
Mania, depression, and delusions. What can pills help, and what do you need to watch out for yourself? (poem to follow this blog)
https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/therapy/how-do-i-find-a-therapist-near-me/
So it is the worst time of the year for just about everyone. Kids have to go back to school after just a 2-week taste of freedom and being lavished with candy canes and gifts by family. People who work in sectors like trades find that most of their customers spent all their money on Christmas and there is a big slowdown. The worst part? Suicides. Some may think that Christmas is the worst for suicides, but I have uncovered some information that may prove that January is the worst month for suicides. I can see why. I have been doing well in my recovery from mental illness for some time now, I was able to take some college courses, I took a University course last year and actually finished it. I have set up jobs and public appearances and have been working for the schizophrenia society. I sometimes wonder if I’ve been a little manic. I haven’t had delusional thinking much, but I have been finding myself increasingly troubled with sleeping memories of being in the hospital, likely because I now live in an apartment building rather than a house and I never liked the people who used to come around in the hospital and shine a flashlight in your eyes to see if you were sleeping. The flashlight almost always woke me up.
What I have been noticing is the early signs of depression creeping up. I don’t know about other places, but where I live there is only about 8 hours of daylight this time of year and sometimes lately if I have nothing to do or if it is oppressively cold outside (as it almost always is, -22 right now) I will sleep all night and then sleep all day. Then, at times like this when by all rights I should be going back to sleep, I get up and work on my writing. Today I was taken away from this pursuit because I learned the moon was full, and so I hauled out my camera and took the above picture among others. I don’t really know what to do about my depression. It has to do with a lot of things I am sure, including the diminished sunlight, the fact that I have a lot of time on my hands and that I have been isolating myself too much. My doctor has offered to increase my anti-depressant and I think I will call tomorrow to get an appointment and do so.
I am also thinking that with everything that has been happening, it is time to bite the bullet and go and see a counselor. For months I have been looking at the wall in the office of my apartment building and there is a list of free counselors there. What it all comes down to is taking care of myself. If I leave things too long I will pay the consequences. Just like needing a dentist or an optometrist, and going to them before you are in pain or blind, I really want to try therapy. From what I understand, therapy can be very effective for people with mental illnesses, though it is important that one stabilize their condition with proper medication before going to it. One of the things that makes me feel worried about what has been going on is my departed mother. When she died at 63 she still hadn’t gotten a handle on her mental illness and it was very severe. My mom had done so many things, from being a credit union manager to nearly getting a full scholarship to University. She tried so very hard and kept getting beaten down by one thing or another. I can see my mom in my brother and sister and myself in many ways. It really was a sad thing that her life had gone so poorly for her, and even at the end she struggled with her medications, moods and psychosis. One of the things she did back then was to see a psychologist and I learned to my surprise that she often talked about her mother, who had passed away about 20 years before my mom did. In many ways I feel pretty lucky that there are medications that help me deal with my own psychosis and mood swings, and do a pretty good job of it. With that, I will leave you with a poem and wish you all another week or so of good health and happiness, which is about the amount of time that will pass before I blog again.
Last Best Chance
My love I am always thinking of you
And how I have feelings that are true
I just don’t know how to say them out loud
In the dark deep night my mind begins to race
As I worry, fret and pace
Nothing seems to please me anymore
The first time I ever saw your face
Even my loneliness could never erase
The loveliness I saw deep inside your eyes
Each day that passes finds me here
With no friends or lover near
The only one I have to blame is me
There were many loves in my younger days
And I pursued them in my own weird ways
Never understanding I could ever end up alone
Plus I had so many true, close friends
On whom I always thought I could depend
But hard times took most of those away from me
I’ve been desperate and depressed
Sought forgiveness and went to be blessed
But found out it came down to not loving you enough
From the first day my life had begun
Fate made you the only one
I could have ever asked to be my true soul mate
So I ask if you could read these simple words
And not feel sad, scared or disturbed
I know you care for me just as I care for you
Things happen to each and every one
But you were always so loving and fun
Please forgive and take me in your arms again
I won’t make any promises to you
Except that each day will feel happy, fresh and new
Please tell me if you will, I just can’t wait
Too many years have already passed
You’ve always been the first and last
Give your love to me we’re each other’s last best chance
Mental Health Mind Reading
Scroll down for today’s blog if you want to skip today’s photo and poem. the photo below is a black and white I took of a bedsheet after throwing it up in the air
January One, 2017; 5:15am
Outside is still and dark, silence fills the land
On this day hope begins anew with New Year plans
We gathered in the cold to greet this year
With promises to set aside unhappiness, anger and fear
As the new day dawns, I promise to all of you
That there is not one thing that I promise to do
Other than put my friends and family always first
Through the lazy easy happy times and through the worst
I do know that many challenges will come to us
I just ask that you do your best and always trust
That our good times will greatly overwhelm the bad
And that you must call me any time you’re feeling sad
This day is also set aside to recall the past
None of our futures are singularly cast
Each of us together or apart can change our fate
If we just let go of all that bitterness and hate
Anger and anxiety consumes us from within
Worse than not receiving forgiveness for our sins
It hurts us as it drives those we love away
It can cause us to end up alone one day
Family is so very necessary for us all
Please don’t forget those great words, “divided we fall”
And please care for the elders in your community
One day we’ll be among them, you and me
A love still dwells in my heart for everyone
Not just at year’s end but with each setting sun
For all the friends and lovers who shared my hurts and joys
For those who taught me love, gentleness and poise
And I could not pass without saying something for
The teachers who opened so many doors
From my little niece who taught me how to care
To the instructors who wisdom followed me everywhere
I now vow to all of you to never stop
Looking past the little challenges, striving for the top
And also, I give a special word to those who wear a uniform and fight
I want to thank you all for risking your lives for what we know is right
Leif Gregersen
Well, I haven’t got a lot to say regarding mental health. I have been experiencing anxiety lately and it has been working negatively on my stomach. As a result, I felt nausea last night and took a couple of gravol which helped the bad feeling and helped me sleep and even relax a bit. I got up and wrote a long letter to a friend I have been relying on way too much for our own good. She is this very kind and caring young woman and we have met for lunch a few times and I actually started to think we might go out, but I discovered she had no such intentions. She is so nice though that she has decided to keep me as a friend which I am very glad of. The problem that’s been happening lately is that she has been busy and I have been short of things to do since everything is shut down for the holidays and I live alone (yes, big mistake for someone with a mental illness!) I contacted her a couple of times and my anxiety started making up all these ideas. First I thought I was bothering her, then I wrote back hoping to make her less worried about me, then she sent me a quick text and I thought that she was ‘weirded’ out about me doing that. I keep stumbling over my words and it isn’t helping that my social skills and confidence are diminished from living alone. I still have a good friend in my life who I talk to a lot, but I would hate to lose this other person as a friend. I am kind of wondering if I need to up my dose of anti-anxiety medication despite the possible dependancy and side effects. I hope someone out there can identify with this and maybe take something out of it they can use. I wish there was a support group out there that was free and ongoing for neurotics like me.
